Sickening as the thought of causing so much damage in this way to the psyches of those that love me is, I can only dream of having such conviction to an action. If only for a moment. Perhaps that it what I miss most of my truly dark days, convinced that ripping through my flesh is my only escape, thoroughly convicted to the idea.
Farther than just the relief of full conviction was the knowledge that I had outdone so many seeking to relieve the pain in a similar matter. Reckless though it was and will likely be again, it was the best feeling. I relished it.. I wanted to live in it. Now in my healthier days ( on the whole at least ) I still wish to invite that feeling over for the occasional late afternoon snack.
I resent myself fully despite the maniacal smile spread far across my face. Insanity spilling from my fingers as I channel the inconsequential thoughts of my broken self.
Fuck if I know what sense can later be made of this scalding hot mess. Fuck if I can rid myself of the hatred of this part of me. Fat fucking chance if I continue to embrace it on occasions such as these. Hand me a blade I will carve you a story. Tell it to you as you stitch me back together. If only it were as easy as the needle and thread they've taken to me so many times.
Take that bitch I've out crazied you. How I wish I had another trick in the bag. FUCK YOU I CAN OUTPITCH YOU/ OUTWIT YOU/ OUTDO-SHIT-FUCKING-WELL YOU!!
No. I've got the crazy though.
Write something of value won't you?
No. GODDAMNIT NO!
Sweet surrender of sleep why have you left me? Fuck this consciousness. What is your value?
Sit and bitch of your worthlessness yet do nothing to decrease it. Do it tomorrow?
The dog's eyes are trained on me. Frightening the animals frightens myself.
The dog's eyes are trained on me. Frightening the animals frightens myself.
The impulse is overpowering. To Swallow. To Slice. To Jump. To Abandon.
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