Tears

You know it's bad when you wake up in tears. You know it's worse when you wake up in tears and your first thoughts are a thanks giving for a respite lasting no more than twenty hours. A praise to god that you made it through a tangle of dreams, simulated loss rivaling your worst reality. How long must I be tortured by my own body? The titches, the hot flashes, the shivers, the spasms. Nightmares fraught with physical pain. Mother, you told me they couldn't hurt me. Why then do I awake doubled over and crying out? 

The pills barely bring me to normality.

I long for the simplicity that followed the overdoses. I recall the sheer possibility I felt coursing through my limbs, elevating not only my mind but what seemed my body to a state of ecstasy. I was alive, surpassing all odds, I was alive. More remarkably I was happy. 

I could do anything. 

Here I sit in the bath, a basin I have stained in blood, 

my sense of self as stagnant as the water surrounding me.

205 days. 
It's time to run.

Here I Lay. Where Frustration and Desire Collide.

I went to the gun range yesterday. Something about my grip on the gun, the force when it fired, and the scent of gunpowder and testosterone...

My Tumblr dash is full of sex. Well, sex and Doctor Who... But if it's a Tennant gif it may as well be the same thing.


There was a post about morning sex. The desire to be awoken by a woman. I think back to the nights I spent unable to sleep, next to the boyfriend. Tracing circles on his nipples, tongue and fingers exploring; his mind asleep but his body responding. I recall sliding myself along his penis; moistening it with my desire, his already very apparent. A kiss to the hollow just below jaw, a nibble to the lobe of his ear. Moving his sedate hands across my body, hips maintaining a rhythm. Whispering dirty thoughts to wake him, sliding him inside me, and feeling the sharp inhalation pass his lips. Throbbing. Thrusting. Fulfillment... 

I want a summer romance. Or any romance really. Genuine attraction and reciprocated desire. I'm not asking for love, but I need some satisfaction.