The Dreams.

Fear of sleep.

It's an unnatural thing for me.

From the blissful breaks to the heart of the darkness,

Sleep has been my salvation.

These nightmares have stolen it away from me.

Small dots have punctuated my sweet haven in the past.

But never like this.

My mother tells me it's the traumas manifesting.

Trauma...

To many my demons are the result of a spoiled mind.

And not in the sense of it being diseased.

The mind of a petulant and lazy child creating excuses.

Trauma...

Is that what I believe?

Yes.

It's not the label I struggle with, but how the label resulted.

Did I bring this upon myself?

Could I have handled this all?

Am I truly to blame?

...And if so, have I found my way back?

Sometimes I wonder.

And then I think back to my childhood.

Children are not malicious.

Yet, as a child, I hurt people.

I hurt people deeply, and often.

I threw knives at my sisters, and fists at my mother.

Manipulated to the best of my ability.

Though I was not hit, nor neglected, nor abused, I hurt.

Every night I hurt.

Every day, I hurt back.

I was an innocent.

Because of this I know I was truly ill.

I was stunted.

I was searching and reaching for help I couldn't conceive.

But now...

I've received so much 'help'.

But at times like these I wonder if I've progressed.

I'm still a child.

But the mourning of my childhood is ongoing.

Will I ever heal?

It's been a few months now, since I've caused physical harm to myself.

Tonight, I want it back.

I want to drag a blade through my tissue.

I want to sever vessels and spill pain.

Will the desire ever leave?

I'm unsure if this is numbness.

Or if only I ache so for the simplicity of it.

Will the questions ever cease?