Not So Limited Restrictions.

This my dear is what you receive when you act a fool such as I did Sunday night.

Or rather Monday morning.

The feelings were absent at the time of my relapse..

If you could call it relapse.

I chose to reopen my most recent scar, slicing a keloid is somewhere near 8 times as painful as cutting pure skin. I gave up rather quickly compared to my other rather ambitious endeavors. As I am a person who cuts to see the damage it was more than a disappointing event.

I say this in my strictly emotional mind.

Logically I know the long term ramifications of my behaviors, but I sometimes miss being sick.

At least then I have an excuse for being friendless.

I'm incredibly grateful for the friends I do have, but I wish I had more casual friends as a opposed to having another close friend.

I feel like I have five homes.

Mother's, Father's, Beetle's, K-Dub's, A&A's...

I always seem to forget how welcome I am in each home, also, how much fun I have when I am with these people.

I went to Beetle's house today.

Mama B was walking the dog when I came down the street. She took one look at me and asked me how I was.

I said, I'm okay.

Mama B: You look terrible.

Tears started running down my cheeks when I gave her a real answer...

That's 'cause I am...

For the first time I came through the door without calling or knocking.

This is significant to me.

Beetle's on the chair in the doorway, you can see how swollen her throat is due to the strep. I sit across from her on the couch, I am mostly silent which around her is odd.

I feel like she can sense my, for lack of a better word, pain. Almost as if there is a cartoon cumulus nimbus hovering above my cranium.

I could really use one of those new fangled air umbrellas in times such as these.

I look at her and try to smile but it turns into some sort of psychotic laugh followed by a stream of tears and the shaking of my sobs.

All of the sudden I've got a 100 pound Beetle on me, asking me what's wrong.

Mama B returns and we talk about, well we talk about me.

The Beetles proposed that I paint and fix up the spare bedroom in their home. It would be pretty great to have a semi-permanent place in the Beetle household.

I have the same answer for you, dear laptop that I had for the Beetles. I just don't really know how to translate my current thoughts into words.

I didn't have a trigger that caused my SIB, that makes it very difficult to explain to the Beetles..

It will be more difficult to explain to KD and A1 ( first of A&A ) I cannot wait for that interaction.

It is the price of being cared for though, and I am willing to pay it.

The love I feel for my surrogate family members is beyond words.

As I have slept very little throughout the night I shall retire to my couch bed.

I hope to find beautiful thoughts, people, and images in my dreams,

I wish this for you as well, whoever you may be.

Sleep with Angels,

NicoleRosie